Jupiter Ascending (2015): Movie Reviews from the Sidelines

There is no movie that seems better designed to drive critics nuts than Jupiter Ascending (2015).

Seriously, you have stunning but cluttered visuals, quirky acting, and a movie that clearly should have been at least an hour and a half longer than what it was. But that's not the story here. The story should be that Jupiter Ascending is an awesomely risky movie set in a fascinating universe that revolves around an ordinary girl from our (non-post-apocalyptic) planet.

In this gorgeous film, a young cleaning lady by the name of Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis) is found to have the exact genetic sequence of a noblewoman from outer space. This apparently happens because...science. In any case, many of the upper class from this extraterrestrial society, which is populated by humans (actually, our ancestors), tend to view this as a sort of "reincarnation" and even go so far as to leave trusts for such individuals in their will, leaving meek Jupiter to inherit the earth. What do the space-humans want with the earth? Well, that's complicated, but let's just say that we are the crops, and they are the consumers. 

The adventure part of this begins when the heirs of that noblewoman all seek to claim for themselves the inherited treasure of their mother from Jupiter. They all have their various ways, of course, but all of them pretty much center around Jupiter being dead. Enter her faithful (and hunky) protector Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) who risks his life to save hers. Most of the action centers around Channing Tatum, er, Caine, being heroic and making Jupiter weak in the knees.

It would be SO easy to hate this film. Eddie Redmayne, for example, one of the heirs trying to knock Jupiter out of the royal orbit, gives one of the strangest performances to ever hit the big screen, whispering some of his lines and switching from listless mumbling to screaming tantrums. And yet, one really must wonder how entitled nobility who live thousands of years and harvest human beings for profit ought to behave. It is genius that he manages to even show vulnerability in such an emotionally remote character. In fact, he gives one of the only possible depictions of such a character that anyone could give, if the aim were verisimilitude.

At the same time, Mila Kunis, whose main problem in this film is a slight aversion to opening her mouth while she speaks, is nonetheless the perfect "hero" to take on this role. Admittedly, it isn't one of the most female-empowering roles ever created, but she still manages to embody her character: a quirky, discontented twenty-something who is both terrified and fascinated with her surroundings. I can't see any obvious flaws.
The plot is overly complicated. No one can deny that. It has a backstory that would require an HBO miniseries to explain (which would be--geek alert--TOTALLY AWESOME), but it is not incomprehensible, whatever some may say.  In fact, the world is so beautiful and the idea behind its existence such a compelling tale that this reviewer was hungry for more plots set in this classical medieval steampunk dystopia. Any critic that doesn't agree with that sentiment is not worth my dear readers' time.

My Rating: B+ (Go see it.)